


Strength to be Gentle

by lorenzobane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Battle Malec, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and principles!!, bamf Magnus, but its complicated, but that is also complicated, damn Magnus and his thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 20:09:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9254549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenzobane/pseuds/lorenzobane
Summary: It is only then that Alec notices that the blue light looks familiar and his heart stops.Jace and Clary both turn back to face him from their position on the battlefield; they’re smiling surrounded by corpses, “looks like your boy came through for us, after all!”





	

It's the fifth time that they’ve sparred together before Alec works up the courage to ask the question that has been burning on his mind for months. He’s on the floor, again- because of course, Magnus had him pinned for the tenth straight time this session. Alec would like to feel bad about this, but feeling Magnus’s warm weight pinning him to the ground was hardly unpleasant.

“Hey, Magnus, can I ask you a question?” Alec finally gets out. His hands are resting on Magnus’s thighs which are straddling his chest; he runs them up and down the thick corded muscle a few times.

“Of course, Alexander,” Magnus replies while sliding off of Alec (to his disappointment) and putting a hand out to help the shadow hunter up.

“Why- Why don’t you…?”

Magnus says nothing, just watches him patiently while Alec struggles to get the words out.

“It's just… It’s like this, okay? You’re so good in combat, hand-to-hand, magic, magical hand-to-hand…”

“Oh darling, what flattery,” Magnus said batting his eyes at Alec with a smirk. That does nothing to hid the apprehension that has appeared behind his cat eyes.

“It's just… You never fight with us. Like… In battle.”

 “Well, Alexander, someone has to ensure that protective wards hold and can heal the wounded. Besides that, we need to be able to get in and out- right?” 

“Of course,” Alec nods, because having a reliable way out of conflicts they can’t win is a critical part of strategic success, and Alec’s been studying the art of war since before his voice dropped. “But… I mean- you’re… I mean… We hire Caterina, and I know she can do it alone if she had to… Why don’t you join us on the front lines? You’re so….”

Magnus sighs and waves his hand. His living room, which he had temporarily transformed into a beautiful sparring studio, returned to its natural state as a tastefully decorated apartment. He looks at Alec with intense eyes, studying him. He looked as if he was deciding just how honest he was going to be; Alec rather hoped that he’ll fall to the side of “more honest” rather than less.

Without another word Magnus walked to his cabinet, which Alec knew held all of his potions and spells ingredients. He couldn’t help but wonder if Magnus was about Instead, he returns with a small seed.

“What’s that?” Alec asked curiously. He knew that Magnus would answer his larger question in his own time and in his way- if he tried to rush the process, or push too hard Magnus would slam shut, and it would take him weeks to work on this question again.

“It's the seed of a rose,” Magnus said, and then his hand began glowing blue. The seed started to sprout, as if Magnus’s hand itself was the earth, giving it light and warmth and sunshine. The flower began to grow in Magnus’s hand; the sprout grew tall, and before long a stunning red rose was growing in his hand, thin vines wrapped around his fingers and wrists.  

“Wow,” Alec said reaching out to touch the flower.

“Look at it, Alec,” Magnus crooned, “look at what my magic can do. It can create, it can provide, this flower is getting its nutrients from me- its life force is sustained by mine.”

Alec nodded in amazement as he continued to gently stroke the flower petals.

“But my magic can also do this,” Magnus said, his voice distant. Suddenly the flower began turning black from its stem, the petals wilting and turning to ash on Alec’s finger. He pulled back, horrified as the formally blooming flower now lay in a pile of black ash in Magnus’s warm palm.

“So many things in this world destroy, Alexander. To take a life? It is simple, bombs kill hundreds, seraph blades have murdered my kin,” Magnus said, and Alec turned away his eyes burned with tears at the heartbreakingly gentle tone. “To some, the more militarized,” here he nodded to Alec’s runes, “the concept of taking a life to win a war is honorable. And to them, I do not argue. But for me… I’ve seen civilizations fall, friends lose friends, families divided by thick concrete walls. I choose not to add to the pain I see. If I have a choice, my darling, between protecting life and ending it- why would I ever choose violence?”

“But…” Alec said his voice surprisingly thick, “the war. If you kill Valentine’s army—“

Magnus shook his head and vanished the ash. Instead, his palm held a small hologram of a man.

“Look at this man. If I kill him,” here the little hologram falls to the ground, “his friend will step in his place. And he will be filled with fury because we have taken his kinsman’s life. This type of hatred, it never ends. I could rid the world of all the evil I perceive; I could raze the ground that Valentine walks on and kill the hundreds of human beings he has converted. Believe me, Alexander; such a thing would be easy enough.”

“And yet… For me, it is nearly impossible. How can I look at another human life, my love, and know that they have been loved, that they have celebrated birthdays, that they have nursed broken hearts, that someone will cry when they do not return home, and still choose to end their life?”

“Magnus,” Alec murmured, “but these people… These people are monsters. They plan to burn the world to the ground; they want to kill people like you. Magnus- they want to murder your friends.”

“Maybe so,” Magnus said with a wry smile, “and yet- if you don’t live your principles when they are difficult to maintain, are they principles at all? Besides, I recognize that they will harm my friends and family. So I do what I can to protect you all.  Do you honestly think it is a mere coincidence that not a single member of our Army received even a scratch in our last battle?”

Alec sighed resignedly, and pulled Magnus to him, “I suppose I’ll just have to be on the front lines without you.”

Magnus lifted his lips into a playful smile before answering, “something will have gone very, very wrong if I end up killing on the battlefield, Alexander. Believe me. You don’t want to see me there.”

Alec sighed in resignation. In his head he could have laughed at the irony, him- Alec Lightwood, a man trained to be a soldier since he was a child, has managed to fall head over heels in love with a pacifist.

“I understand, Magnus,” Alec said even though he did not understand.

Alec vowed to himself at that moment that Magnus would never see the front lines of battle if it was the last thing he did. It was tough to accept, the strategist in him was beating its hands against the walls of his brain because Magnus could easily be their most powerful weapon. The biggest ace up their sleeves.

He ignores the voice in his head and wraps his arms around Magnus, and imagines the restraint it takes. To have the power to destroy worlds and instead to choose to be gentle, to use that power to create and invent and protect. How strange, Alec thought, to protect a man like this from battle. Not because he couldn’t hold his own, but because that same man wants to protect everyone else from the storm in his hands.

Alec knew he would have to come up with a way to explain it to the war council later, why he kept placing Magnus at the back of all their strategic positions, but it was worth it if it made Magnus happy.

———————————————————

It is some weeks later, and Alec likes to think he’s done a fair job of respecting Magnus’s ideological differences. He doesn’t insist that he fight, he doesn’t push him to kill any of Valentine’s men. Though Alec has noticed, Magnus’s moral objection does not extend to demons who he will kill casually and without much fuss. In fact- as Alec observed- none of the demons Valentine brought ever seemed to make it to Alec’s troops of Shadowhunters. They had clearly long since been destroyed by… Something.

Alec smiled to himself and nocked another arrow. That was Magnus all over, fighting on the front lines even if he’s all the way in the back watching their backs and healing injuries.

It's been at least an hour since the last time Alec had seen him, but he knows he’s okay. Not only because the Alliance rune is still burning cheerfully on his hand, giving him sharper aim and keener strategic insight, but also because the air around them was crackling with his magic, blanketing them with a protective shield around their bodies making it more difficult for Valentine’s men to strike them.

He is completely in the zone, slicing his blade through a circle member who got too close to him and watching the blood and viscera pour out of the open wound when the ground starts to tremble.

He looks down and sees blue light emanating around his feet like a ripple in a pond, and suddenly all the circle members are clutching their chests and screaming in agony. A few of them, the ones closest to Alec, are crying for their mothers, or for the Lord. They begin to curl in on themselves and lay on the ground. The Institute’s Shadowhunters all look confused as their enemies drop to the floor. The battle had been won.

It is only then that Alec notices that the blue light looks familiar and his heart stops.

Jace and Clary both turn back to face him from their position on the battlefield; they’re smiling surrounded by corpses, “looks like your boy came through for us, after all!”

Alec felt his heart plummet to the ground as he turned on his heel and sprinted while activating his speed rune.

Something had gone, very, very wrong.

By the time he reaches Magnus it is very clear what happened. Caterina is laying in his arms, blood pooling around her from where an arrow had struck her. Alec immediately dropped to Magnus’s side.

“What happened?”

“Sharp-shooter,” Magnus said pointing vaguely to an area on the upper, east mountains, “dead now.”

"Is she…?” Alec whispered.

Magnus shook his head, and Alec could have cried with relief, “no. She’s not dead- the arrow was poisoned, and it was fast acting. Luckily I was right beside her when she was struck.”

Alec nodded.

“She was in so much pain,” Magnus continued, his fists clenched, “she was screaming and I… I…”

Alec cut him off by pulling him in for a comforting hug, “we need to get her to bed.”

Magnus nodded numbly, his best, currently still living, friend resting safely in his arms. She was still asleep, but the wound looked to be mostly healed from Magnus’s fast actions. It truly had been lucky that he was there, standing beside her and weaving wards together.

The second she was in the healing center, Magnus began trembling.

Alec was at his side in seconds.

“Hey, hey… She’s going to be okay,” Alec said soothingly as Magnus trembled in his arms.

“Yes, darling,” Magnus said, “I know she’ll be okay.”

“And… What you did,” Alec began hesitantly even as Magnus stiffened in his arms, “you did what had to be done. You ended the battle so we could take care of your friend. You protected your loved ones, Magnus, the way you always said you would.”

“I…” Magnus turned away from him, “I heard them screaming. Even from all that distance, I could hear them screaming. I did that. I caused that.”

It strikes Alec again that if he heard Jace saying something like that or even Isabelle or, Clary, it would be with pride. The joy of a job well done. The euphoria of victory.

“Magnus,” Alec said tenderly, “you did nothing wrong.”

Magnus didn’t respond for a moment. “How many?”

Alec’s blood turned cold, “you don’t need to hear that right now.”

“How many?” Magnus repeated with more steel in his voice.

“One hundred and fifty.”

Magnus doubled over, and began breathing heavily, “are they all…?”

Alec had no idea how to soften this blow. He did not know how to comfort someone for killing the enemy, and for doing it more efficiently. In the eyes of a Shadowhunter, Magnus had done his job and done it admirably. He killed the monsters who wanted to destroy the peace they’ve created. He ended a battle so decisively there were no casualties on their side. Instead, Magnus looks as if one of his own has died at his hand. The expression on his face is pure agony.

Alec placed a soft hand on Magnus’s back, “there were no survivors.”

Magnus’s back begins to tremble as he cries silently. Alec looks helplessly at him, before reaching to lift Magnus into a swift bridal-style carry.

“Alec?”

“Come on, let’s go home. I’ll finish the mission report later.”

Magnus nods and curls into him and Alec is struck by a feeling of _wrong, wrong, wrong._

This is not Magnus. Magnus doesn’t accept help from anyone. Magnus doesn’t let himself be carried. Magnus smirks at the pain that would have most people begging on the ground.

He waits as Magnus opens a portal with one hand and soon they’re back in his loft.

“Do you want anything?” Alec asks softly.

Magnus pauses, “can I have their names?”

“Whose?”

“The… The dead.”

“I’m not sure that is such a good idea.”

“I want to remember the name of every life I’ve ever taken; it's what I’ve done for four hundred years, and I’m not about to stop now.”

Alec nodded, “I’ll see if I can get it to you by the end of the week.”

“Thank you, darling.”

They are silent for the rest of the night. Alec gently guides Magnus to the shower and washes his skin tenderly as Magnus makes no moves to help.

Eventually, they are laying in bed; Alec is in the unusual position of the big spoon.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Magnus nods but doesn’t respond verbally.

“What does it feel like? When you….?”

Magnus is quiet and still for a long time. So much time that Alec assumed he was as asleep.

“Would you like the truth, Alexander?”

Alec nods, knowing that Magnus would be able to feel the movement.

“Good. It feels good. That is why I hate doing it, Alec. Because that feeling of terror, when I can feel their souls plead for mercy… It feels good. That is why I hate it so much.”

“You can feel them?” Alec asked.

Magnus nods, “yes. All human souls, or even part human souls, have a type of magical energy signature. Even if they can’t perform magic, they still have magic inside them- inherent to their being.”

“Magnus… I am so sorry. But I’m also not. They hurt Caterina, Magnus. If you hadn’t killed them all, I would have done it myself.”

Magnus turns in his arms, so they are facing each other. His face still looks haunted, but he still responds in a blank voice, “Oh you sweet talker, you.”

“She’s my favorite Warlock; you know that right? Makes the best eggs Benedict I’ve ever tasted.”     

Magnus’s mouth twitched up, seemingly without his permission before his eyes turned solemn again. He studied Alec’s face with an intensity that only Magnus Bane could achieve.

“Can I ask you a question, Alexander?”

“Of course.”

“You… You’ve always been so understanding about my decision not to fight. I’ve heard you during war councils, making sure I’m nowhere near the front lines. Why?”

Alec shrugged as best he could laying on his side, “it's what you want. It's what you believe. Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I don’t respect it. Besides, I don’t think you’re completely wrong… What is that annoying quote you always say? “Truth exists somewhere between statement and counterstatement.” So maybe, somewhere between the war and nonviolence, there is an answer that tempers both.”

“How sagacious,” Magnus replied thoughtfully as he runs a hand up and down Alec’s clavicle.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be,” Magnus says, “thank you.”

"Of course, now try and get some rest,” Alec says.

But as he looks down at Magnus now, curled softly in his scarred, runed arms he wishes for nothing more than to be able to give Magnus even a quarter of the beauty that he gives so freely and with so much love. Magnus himself was a rose, beautiful and deadly with its soft petals and sharp thorns. A part of Alec knows it’s irrational, Magnus has just proved he is more than capable of protecting himself. Still, for all that Magnus is smart, and powerful, remarkable and kind, he also maintains such a gentle core that Alec can hardly stand it.

Alec curls his arms tighter around Magnus. He is a force for destruction as much as he is one for creation, but Alec knows what his job is now. Understands it more clearly than he had before. Magnus needs kindness, and nurturing for himself- he gives so much to the world that he occasionally empties the stores that he needs for a rainy day. It’s okay though, as long as Alec is here he will tend to the beautiful rose that has wound is vines around Alec’s heart.

**Author's Note:**

> AKA the awkward moment when you ask a pacifist to write a battle malec fic. 
> 
> Anyway, let me know your thoughts, if you agree or disagree with me or whatever! 
> 
> Also, I'm on Tumblr at http://menckenschrestomethy.tumblr.com/
> 
> Finally- thank you again to @LadyMatt (follow her on tumblr too!) for betaing my work and tolerating so much nonsense from me.


End file.
